Orgasms are nice, don’t get me wrong, but they don’t last very long, a sexy minute at the most. They are even better with someone that you love, a true intimate relationship, but I don’t have that in my life right now, and haven’t had anything resembling the kind love that I would do back flips for, ever. I used to get pretty down about it sometimes, but lately, I’ve noticed that I don’t care about it like I used to, and that disturbed me. It was as if a part of me fell away, and with it, my sense of identity.
I no longer have the same intense drives for the OTHER, for sex, or for that deep union, and now find myself in an unfamiliar hamlet. I discovered that the part of me that sloughed off like a warty toad was my Romantic Self, the one yearning for the faery tale and requisite Prince Charming. That illusionary path, complete with rose-colored glasses, always led me into the thorns of disappointment and pain, so losing it can’t be so bad, can it? It feels weird not expressing that part of myself anymore, but it’s gone, so I can’t turn it on anymore. I’d just blow a fuse.
Energy abhors a vacuum.
That empty space-place-hamlet wasn’t going to stay empty for long and it hasn’t. My creativity has been off the charts; writing, painting, starting a biscotti business, developing metaphysical classes, and most recently, I’ve decided to change my name. I feel like this fountainhead of creativity is looping back into mySelf. I truly believe that it has something to do with me rerouting my life force energy, which is usually expressed as sexual energy. It got redirected into other areas, namely, my creative life and art.
Since I didn’t have a relationship for any length of time in the past seven years that I have been living on my own, the focus has been solely on me and on what I feel, what do I want to have, to know, to be, to accomplish, to try, to experience, to love, for me? This has been a very healing process, not selfish at all, and has brought me closer to my authentic creative Self.
Who says life can’t be orgasmic?
Some Tibetain Monks live in an orgasmic state of being on a daily basis, so it’s certainly possible, not that I want to forgo ever having sex again, or enter into the right relationship to achieve this state. I still want those things, I really do, but for now I find this idea of being orgasmically celibate intriguing. I might as well figure out how to build a house in my new hamlet, because I think that I’m going to be staying there awhile.